Avoidance, isolation, exclusion.

These aren't by-products of grief, but something it does entail.

There are a hundred things in your mind - wrath, envy and greed being something you could classify everything into. You anger against God, the Universe, the laws of nature, the people who could've done something, you even anger against time, the fundamental principle of this world. You harbor envy against people who are happy, people with their loved ones at their arm's length, an all-encompassing envy of all that is good. You greed for knowledge, the innumerable questions in your mind bang against the walls of your consciousness, seeking answers, seeking resolutions.

Hence, in all of this, you avoid people. They're happy, you're not. You are envious of them. You want what they have. You anger against them, subconsciously even if it is not your intention.

It is not fair to them, yet despite this, you persist in your thoughts, the foundation of agony takes root to birth a tree of sins. You won't act on them. You will not go and end everything that is happy, yet, the tree grows, because not your actions, but your thoughts give it nutrition.

Your sins are not material. You do not seek wealth. You do not seek the physical intimacy of the one you've lost. Lust, Gluttony, Pride, Sloth. You do not seek those, yet you had all of it when your beloved was with you. Your lust for an emotional connection was met. You had her, all to yourself to satiate your glutton. You were prideful of what you had, because she was yours, and you were hers. You were relaxed, like a sloth perched on a tree, watching time fade on by with your partner by your side.

You were genuinely happy. The happiest you'd ever been. You shared your joy with your friends, but now in sadness, you feel like a black sheep, the runt of the litter.

Why would they talk to you, if not to feel good about themselves?

They have, what you lack. Talking to you brings them a joy, and an appreciation of what they have. Is that what you are now? Is that what you're reduced to? A metaphor?

They pity you. You are nothing more than a destination for their emotional tourism.

They don't talk to you for weeks, and when they do, they go and hug their loved ones, talking about the agony they would feel were they to lose one-another.

It is painful, to be reduced to nothing more than a subject.

I am not a subject. I am not to be pitied. I do not seek your sympathy, nor do I require your assistance. I pulled myself through it all alone, as hard as it was, I did it myself. My sins will carry me, as they have in the past. My wrath is eternal, my greed is insatiable and my envy is immeasurable.

One day, you too will lose someone. When you do, we will be in the same boat, and I believe that is when you will know how it feels to be on the other side of the wall.

Until then, I will trudge through it all. Step, by step.