I am not looking for professional help, but I am just not sure if this thing I am going through qualifies as depression. I would really appreciate it if someone can provide an insight.

Last year, in May, my partner unexpectedly passed away. I can remember the strong emotions, and the deep sadness, anger, and everything else when that happened. My emotions have been relatively normal for a while now. I still miss her, and cry at times, but it's not as frequent as it was before.

I've recently started studying again. I can't seem to find the drive. I know I have to study, and I want to, but honestly, I can't find the motivation anywhere. I don't have motivation to do anything, be it just getting up in the morning. The only thing that gets me out are deadlines.

Everything feels meaningless, and I feel like I am just biding my time. I try to be optimistic, but to be fair, it's all pointless, because we all die eventually.

I used to be very optimistic, despite my shitty, mediocre life, I tried to enjoy every moment. Now I don't think any of that matters. I don't hate myself, but I don't really think there's any point to being alive. I won't take any actions on this feeling, but I know that I really don't have a will anymore, like I used to have.

I am not sure if this lack of motivation is a result of depression, sadness, or a perspective shift.

I have stopped planning, which I used to love at one point, to think of my life how it may be in the next few years. Now, I find myself thinking about the past. Future is not something I am concerned about anymore.

Is depression a part of grieving?

Honestly, I just don't know what to call this feeling, and I can't describe it either.

I am not sure if I want to get rid of this feeling. It helps me keep my partner in my mind. I feel that if I 'get' better, I will forget her, and I don't want to do that. I feel like the pain I experience isn't enough, and I need to experience more of it. Am I stupid for thinking that being in pain is a way of honoring her? Honoring the impact she had in my life?

Man, it's so strange why I cry whenever I write anything about my own feelings. It happens every single time. It's such a weird feeling.

Life sucks man, and it is so unfair. I absolutely loathe this world, the way it all works.